In order to fully understand the events that happen on a road trip, we must first delve into the characters involved. Let us take a moment to do just that. Introducing the crew:

Let’s break this down. Coming in at lead-off is my main man Zachary “ZZTop” Zirpolo:

He may seem average and unassuming to some, but don’t discount him too quickly. The man can solve a rubik’s cube in just under 2 hours. Such incredible acumen landed him a job as a trader for Morgan Stanley. The self-acclaimed “Titan of Capital”, he is excited to start stacking up bills come late July. Nevertheless, he understands the depressing fifty years of 70 hour weeks that are to come. You can usually find him with a cigar in his mouth. Probably because his dad looks exactly like Tony Soprano and the presence of phallic objects calms him in times of stress. He has earned the name ZZTop because his first and last names both start with Z and that’s really the most interesting thing about him.

Coming up next is the legend Geoffrey “Brickface” King:

He spends much of his time sleeping, and when he’s awake he consistently shoves bricks of drugs into his face. Also his face is square-shaped. Geoffrey King (known for his work on Game of Thrones) is stepping down from his role as the whiney douchebag of King’s Landing to become the whiney douchebag of BlackRock in D.C. Geoffrey has two modes of play: Either he is in bed by 10 with dreams of the day a girl will look at him and not the paint drying behind him, or he blacks out and calls the cops on himself. Neither of these modes are exaggerations. It is still to be determined which mode he will adopt for this road trip: let’s keep our eye out for that.

Coming in third is Sir Bradley Roche, perhaps more commonly known as “The Roach”, or “Roach” for short:

The first cockroach to ever drive an RV or have five human friends, he is certainly the most impressive insect I have ever come across. In fact he has so much love for the human race that he aims to attend Florida Atlantic University for medical school, naturally he prefers a more humid climate. The horndog of the group, he is always looking for mating partners. We have already notified the national parks that he is en route and have apologized for the inconvenience. They should certainly expect their insect populations to double over the next two weeks.

Batting clean-up is the enigmatic Bobby “Nasty Nas”:

When he’s not schooling fellas on the chess board, he’s teaching Roach the ways of the seduction game. Born-and-bred in a promiscuous city, he is an expert of suave by anyone’s standards. When he’s not drinking port or renting out a cabana, he’s thinking about drinking port or renting out a cabana. He plans to return to Florida as a paralegal in a real estate law firm, at which point he will almost definitely convince the managing partner to trade jobs.

My last comrade to consider is David “Camo Dave” Keatley:

The 6′ 6″ Southern Titan is best known for his status as an eagle scout and lover of pizza. He exclusively listens to Zac Brown Band on repeat, a joy for everyone in the RV. With a confederate flag hung in his room and a rifle hiding under his bed at all times, Camo Dave is clearly the chillest of the group. We only invited him because of his unrealistic prowess regarding camping, hunting, and his 37 types of knots. Also he is super tall so the bears will see him and attack him first. He doesn’t frequent the gym very often so his tender fat will keep any nearby predators satisfied until we can escape.

Finally comes Smelliot, a.k.a Elliot “Neanderthal” Scher:

The Neanderthal, aptly named for his remarkable muscle tone, strong jawline, and hairy chest, is the same man you have lovingly come to know as Smelliot. Having lived for milennia, he has been able to observe the evolution of man in its beautifully slow progress. Despite such longevity, he contributes literally nothing to the skill sets and knowledge required to support survival along a road trip. Afraid of insects, the dark, and road trips, he expects to die of anxiety before the bears get Camo Dave. With the intention to attend law school in Virginia, he hopes to use the road trip to read a book for the first time in 7 years.

There you have it: the cast and crew of the journey to come. Keep in touch for pictures of the RV and all the perils and beauties that South Dakota has to offer, which amounts to very little I assume.