The Drai’s beach party started at 10 and Jiten recommended we get there by 11. When I woke up at 9, I naturally wanted to take shots. I got offered a glass of OJ, but it didn’t contain any alcohol so I declined. It’s not 10 o’ clock if you’re not looking at your drink, fearing everything about it, diluting with chaser, and feeling the aggressive burn down your throat. Best way to wake up.

So Brickface, ZZTop, and I ran over to Walgreen’s to pick up liquor. I picked out fireball cause I needed something I could take plenty of shots of in a very limited window of time. And I had already ruined Jager for myself forever. So I started drinking at 10:49, I remember the exact time because I was putting off the first drink as long as possible.

Today was bound to be a day of great nostalgia. It’s generally common sense to leave your exes in the past, but I couldn’t help myself this one time. I gave Becky a lot of space after the break-up so I figured it would be alright to reunite since we haven’t seen each other since fifth grade. She lives in Vegas so Becky and I made plans to go to the Drai’s party together.

When she came over to pregame, she brought over Chipper, the stuffed animal I bought for her in fifth grade. We all got plastered together. Just like old times.

6 drinks in.

We got into Drai’s party without any issue and Jiten, of course, came through for us again with a great bungalow.

I heard the place sold $18 long islands so I had to take advantage of the wholesale deal. Meanwhile, Becky and Stella seemed to be getting along really well. For those who don’t know Stella, she’s Camo Dave’s girlfriend and kissing girls has become somewhat of her Vegas signature. She took Becky by the hips and knew she had to have her, and Becky agreed. So most of their time at the party was spent making out, and most of my time was spent drinking long islands.

11 drinks in.

Becky and I went back to her condo complex to blaze by the pool and catch up with her sister. But what happened was that I caught up with her sister while Becky twisted and rolled in lawn chairs. Her sister was as nice as I remembered her. Got high, went back to the hotel, Becky didn’t make it.

Everyone else was napping but I wanted McDonalds. So I put on my very best McNugget clothes, included my headphones, and bopped down the street to paradise.

Here’s another piece of advice: Listen to the Kygo remix called “Shine”. It’s the single, best, most relaxing, and everything-is-okay-in-the-world song in the world. I looked at the clouds and listened to this song as I ventured to get my McNuggets and I had to stop in the middle of my walk just to think about life. I decided life was chill. Listen to this song, rain or shine.

After I fed myself, I was ready for my second phase of nostalgia. Her name was Jordan and we hadn’t shared a drink since we last saw each other in 8th grade. She was a real bold, forward girl back in the day. So I was only slightly surprised when she came over and soon restrained my limbs to shove fireball down my throat. Nice girl though.

Roach won $600 in poker so everyone was in a jubilant mood as we pregamed for the Porter Robinson show.

21 drinks in.

We headed over around 11 and got in no problem. Our table had bottle service so I spent the first half hour hanging out with Mr. Goose. After that magical quality time, I noticed someone sitting next to me that nobody recognized. I tried waking him up but he didn’t budge. Tickled him, slapped the face, nothing.  A security guard came by to pinch his nerve, at which point he woke up, looked around, and walked away.

I spent the next hour swaying from side-to-side before I realized I was far too drunk for this setting.

26 drinks in.

I started making the trek back to our hotel. Google maps said it would only be a half-mile. What Google didn’t take into account was that the Cosmopolitan casino is specifically designed to keep its prisoners contained. The exit was far from obvious, and may have been nonexistent. So what resulted was a constant criss-cross through hallways and over roads, always wondering whether a bed was in my future. I stopped into McDonald’s on the way back because I bought a 20-piece McNugget earlier in the day and still had leftovers. So I needed ranch dressing. I brought the dressing back with me to the hotel, popped the nuggets in the microwave, and then sat at the table alone with my nuggets and ranch wondering if I really wanted to do this. I decided there was no loop of the imagination I could go through to justify eating these lukewarm, leftover nuggets. So I threw them away and went to sleep. Vegas Baby.

Tomorrow comes the very worst hangover and a flight to Los Angeles. Stay tuned for a surprise guest appearance.