After slumbering in the RV resort utopia, we awoke with only one mission for the day: arrive in Lake Tahoe with sufficient time to rage. We made it on the road at 10 with great expectations for what was to come.

About 3 hours into the drive, we stopped in the great city of Elko, Nevada. If you haven’t heard of it, you’re missing out. With a population of 20,000 its the largest city in central Nevada. Its home to dozens of casinos and we made it our mission to stop into one of these party havens for lunch. My favorite thing about Elko casinos is that if you’re jonesing for a cigarette, or even a pack of cigarettes, there’s no need to purchase one at the local gas station. All you gotta do is walk into an Elko casino, take a subtle breath next to the tatooed 45-year-old woman with gray hair playing the penny slots, and you’re immediately buzzing. Naturally, I was entranced by the aroma of the casino. The food was pretty solid actually, Elko can make a mean club sandwich.

After eating, we excitedly rushed over to the slot machines. I put in a dollar and as I pushed the 0.01 button over and over again, watching my available credits go from 100 to 99 to 98 and so on, I finally understood why gambling is so addictive. There’s just something about hemorrhaging money and breathing in recycled cigarette smoke from a cougar named Marge that really gets the blood flowing. I highly recommend Elko for your next family vacation. Speaking of family values, on our way out of Elko we passed by 2 of the 24 legal brothels in America.

Asian girls for free. What a deal. I found the brothels to be an interesting spectacle, a surviving relic of the world’s oldest profession. I should note that I did not partake in their business. I think sex is far too magical to be exchanged for money. I’m a believer that sex should only exist in the realm of bolstering intimacy between two loving souls. I also believe that women are awesome. God clearly made Adam, realized he could do better, and then got to work on Eve. Nicely done, God.

Anyways, we got back on the road toward Tahoe. Dave tied Bobby’s shoes together.

About an hour outside our destination, we arrived at our true destination: In N’ Out. For those who aren’t familiar, In N’ Out is a primarily west coast burger joint. Each meal comes with a free food-gasm. The burgers and fries are cheap, incredibly covered in cheese, and proven to strengthen your soul. Don’t even get me started on the milkshakes. They make cows seem worthy of worship, I’ll leave it at that.

With only an hour to go to Tahoe, we reboarded the RV and I took the wheel. Stocked up on liquor, gas, and a thirst for revelry. We sped the last 60 miles, putting down drinks and blasting “Talking Body” as we arrived at the campground. I had a Bota Box I still hadn’t touched so I made as large a dent as possible before going out. We had our sights set on the nightclub at Harrah Casino & Resort.

Lost $45 in blackjack right when we got there. Time to go buy expensive drinks to help me forget about the money I’m losing. The median age of fellas and gals at this club was right around 30, but that didn’t stop Brickface from hitting on all the hottest honies in the joint. He may not have had the success he hoped for, but he showed a lot of heart. After literally chugging two long islands, I recruited Nasty Nas to hunt for some poker. Found it at a neighboring casino. We both put down $100 a piece and sat at a table with six sixty year-olds who all shared some resemblance to John Goodman. Nas quadrupled his money within the first few hands while I slowly dwindled. After an hour or so I went all-in, came out ahead, and we ran away from the table as fast as possible.

Ran right back to the club where Roach had the saddest face on you could ever imagine. He had lost a good deal of money playing craps and none of the other kids in the club would play with him. Plus he was tired. So Dave sang him a lullaby, ZZTop put a pillow under his cute Roach head, and we returned to the RV for a good night’s rest. On the agenda for tomorrow: absolutely nothing.